The beauty of being ghosted.

We all know the deal with this one. You meet someone and the connection is immediate. There’s a bond that you can’t quite explain and you think to yourself that this is it. This is the one. But then life happens.

Life. Happens.

It’ been days, weeks since you’ve heard from this person. You’ve texted, called, instagrammed, or whatever it is people are doing these days to keep in touch. But no one is on the other side responding and you’re left with a huge sinking feeling in your gut that you’ve done something wrong. That you’re too clingy and maybe it’s your fault that they’ve stopped replying. That maybe if you just message them that one more time, that this time they’ll reply.

Given the society and the means of technology that are present today ghosting is something that is pretty well known. I myself have ghosted a lot of individuals that I found were toxic to my mental health. I have not however ever ghosted a current or ex boyfriend but have been lucky enough to have been the recipient of this behaviour in all it’s cruel and belittling glory. And the sad truth is that being ghosted by someone you love, or someone you thought you loved is by far one of the worst experiences that I have ever encountered.

There is nothing more demoralising than thinking you hold some level of value in another persons eyes to only have this idea shattered and leaving you with the mark of one who feels worthless and betrayed. Loving someone is not an easy thing to do. You give a part of yourself to that individual and for a while you really believe that they will protect that part, holding onto it like a prized good. But as I said sometimes life just happens and things don’t work out. Someone once told me that love should be unconditional, that even though things don’t always work out there is still a part of you that cares for that person and appreciates the good that you shared. And though I didn’t believe it at first, I grew to believe in this theory. Yes, it was possible to still love someone even if you weren’t in love and didn’t want to be with them.

And then this same person ghosted me. Suddenly I meant nothing, less than nothing and all that bullshit about unconditional love seemed laughable. It seemed like such an innocent thing, someone not responding to my messages but in reality it was an atomic bomb that left me so chronically depressed and depleted it began to take control of not only my moods, but my entire life. Almost every waking minute was spent frantically panicking about why they wouldn’t text me back. I felt myself replaying situations over and over in my head about what I should do, if I should say something or just leave it alone. I lay in bed with crippling anxiety, my body shaking and tears, so many tears streaming constantly down my face. I confided in no one because I was ashamed of the level of control that this small thing had had on my life. And still to this day, I have no response. No explanation. No curtesy. No apology for the shear cruelty of the situation.

Some time after the ghosting happened I began to get used to things. I stopped checking my phone obsessively and stopped expecting that anything would ever change. Even now I have moments of weakness where I am overcome with emotion and send a text hoping despeately for a reply to no avail. But even though it is painful there are some benefits to this situation. Ghosting is hurtful but it gives you an opportunity to learn what you expect from others, and also what to expect from yourself. I have felt nothing but sadness from this experience but I understand better now the qualities that I desire to have in the people around me.

I also know that ghosting is not something I would ever inflict on anyone ever again, no matter the circumstances. Honesty is important and if you feel that someone is not healthy to have in your life then you need to be up front and tell them, not run away from the situation. And finally, if someone has ghosted you, I guarantee that by the end of it you will come out the stronger and more emotionally available individual. Because you are not the one who avoided conflict and shut down. You braced yourself for the battle, fought with all your strength and then rode the wave of victory and peace and that is something that no ghosting can ever take away from you.

Things are going to turn out okay. Keep going.

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