I’m with you there Alice. “What did I ever do to deserve so much pain in one lifetime?” This is the question I have been asking myself on repeat every single day lately. That is the question I have been begging myself for an answer for. That is the question that I am longing to make sense. Just as poor, lost Alice wanders aimlessly looking around desperately for an answer, as does my mind wander, floating between the realm of madness and not.
Because if terrible things are happening to me, surely I deserve them. Surely I must be mad?
Of course I must be mad. I have a mental illness. That must be why I’m feeling so down, like something isn’t quite right. It must be another medication issue, my meds mustn’t be balanced. Oh and I haven’t visited my psychiatrist or my therapist in a few weeks so I think I definitely must be relapsing and acting ridiculous and crazy and unstable…
Excuse me, what?
I wasn’t lying when I said that I had been asking myself if I deserve everything that’s happened to me. Last night I sat on my bed, once more crying and frantically wondering what it is about myself that ignites the worst in people. But for maybe the first very real time in my life, I realised that I am actually not the issue. I realised that I am a victim and that I have been a victim of various forms of abuse for most of my life.
Now I know how that sounds. A 25 year old woman should be able to tell when someone is victimising them right? Wrong. It is very easy to believe everything that is being said to you. I have listened to the words of others and I have believed every part to be true, whether because it came from a loved one or a friend, or even just a coworker. Their voices spoke to me and I had absolutely no reason to doubt what they were saying. They loved me. They were kind people. There was no way that they could be in the wrong. And so this vicious cycle of abuse has plagued my life for years and years.
But seriously, am I really that stupid and naive to not notice?
I am neither stupid nor naive. Mental illness does not always allow you to ask yourself the rational and honest questions. Fairly often you don’t get a choice in anything, and end up blaming yourself, thinking you deserve all the horrible things that are happening to you. This continuous blaming yourself and searching for answers that just don’t exist can be more dangerous than the issues that are surrounding you. I of course am not saying that all people with mental illness are victims. Each and every single one of us have different experiences. This was mine. And now that I have realised it I feel a very heavy weight lift off my shoulder.
I have hope for the future that I will better see when my mental illness is being used as a scapegoat for some other asshole and their problems. I hope that this experience has given me the one thing in life I find useful; knowledge. And I really, truly hope that I can actually find some decent people who will stop doing this to me. But until then, I’m going to do what I enjoy most. Breathe easy and relax.
*The contents of the blog are not to be used in lieu of authentic mental health treatment. Please contact an emergency or medical professional if you are having dangerous or harmful thoughts.