There’s nothing like that gut wrenching, all consuming, disastrous feeling that you’ve hit rock bottom. But as the famous saying goes, “What comes down, and then do whatever the f**k you need to to come back up.”
Here is my own journal entry detailing my experience with the feeling of rock bottom, written June, 2017.
“Rock bottom. Or something like it.
I think maybe the last two weeks, this week in particular it hit me how different I feel. It’s a bit like someone pushed me into a dark hole, and the pressure and pain inside me are so severe and debilitating that I have no way to get out. I just spend hour after hour trying to crawl my way out and every movement is exhausting.
I don’t know this person and I hate not feeling like myself. My words don’t come out right and my thoughts are strange and I wonder where I went and if I’ll ever come back. More than that it’s just really disappointing to have spent 10 months trying and succeeding to actually feel better, almost normal, to end up back at the beginning in a few weeks. That’s what kills me most because I know now that this is my journey. Work hard, relapse, until eventually my mind gives out and I’m probably gone forever.”
Most of those words still ring true for me today. Sometimes I find myself back in that dark hole and it takes every ounce of energy I have to get myself back to my own ‘normal’. And that is totally fine. No one knows what will work better for you than you do. And in another 10 months or 10 weeks or even 10 years, I’ll probably still be here, finding the best method for myself. But at the end of the day, at least I’ll be doing it.
*The contents of the blog are not to be used in lieu of authentic mental health treatment. Please contact an emergency or medical professional if you are having dangerous or harmful thoughts.